


Those Words I Couldn't Say

by vogue91



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Arranged Marriage, F/M, Introspection, POV First Person, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 11:38:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13076079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: She was a strong woman, Narcissa. Maybe, I had to admit it to at least myself, stronger than I had ever proven to be.





	Those Words I Couldn't Say

It was sunny.

And I would’ve taken it as a good sign.

The sign that something was going to be alright, for once, the sign of a day that would’ve been better than the ones before.

The sign of light, after the hours on endless darkness the little girl I had been was condemned to.

That day, so different from all the others, would’ve marked my end or my beginning.

My wedding day.

 

~

 

Narcissa wasn’t smiling.

I saw her for just a moment staring at the sun shining brightly outside.

It kissed her face, making it more beautiful than usual, as if it was possible. It reminded be a little of our wedding day, when everything still carried a big question mark, when neither of us knew what would’ve happened.

We were taking a path that other had written for us, never doubting it was the right one.

And the years, the time spent together, had made that path less and less steep, scattering it with sudden and always welcomed rays of sun.

I didn’t know if I had been a good husband to her, I only knew she had been the best wife.

A good wife, anytime she forced herself to smile to me.

A good wife, when she was worried about me, even though she didn’t want it to show.

A good wife, for she had always been by my side, despite my errors, the humiliations, the condition of outcasts we had to bear for that single mistake of mine.

A good wife, who didn’t rebel to the atrocities she was forced to see. Never tearing her eyes away, never batting her eyelashes.

She was a strong woman, Narcissa. Maybe, I had to admit it to at least myself, stronger than I had ever proven to be.

I had seen her shed very few tears during our life together, precisely to hide that feminine weakness, usually maternal.

For that son we both had desired, and who seemed to have bonded us in an indissoluble way, which the marriage itself hadn’t been able to do.

Through Draco, we had learnt to know each other, to finally see the man and the woman we were, to truly coexist, for the first time, among the walls of that freezing home, that for once seemed warmed by real feelings.

By love, maybe, that love for both of us unconfessed.

I was tempted to get closer, to tell her something, _anything,_ just because I had never truly spoken to her.

But I stayed still, almost in awe, like she was for that sun, suddenly cold.

No, there were no words between us.

Because I kept quiet and she never asked.

Because it was because of her I could say I was more and more of a man, but I was never going to thank her for it.

Because I remembered our wedding day, and the shadows on her face. I remembered I had thought it didn’t matter whether she wanted to marry me or not, as long as we did what was asked of us.

Because I never told her how much those shadows hurt my pride, and that my vows were far deeper than the one I said.

Because I promised to myself, or maybe to her too, that it was going to be forever.

And that maybe I would’ve been surprised had it been actually forever, that maybe I would’ve rejoiced in it, but that ‘until death do us part’ had hit me so much as to wish it was true.

And the years had proven me right.

It had been forever, it still was. And it would’ve been always, until death would’ve parted us.

But she wasn’t going to know and I wasn’t going to tell her, because I enjoyed to pretend I could’ve been a man even without her.

Because, maybe, I loved her. A love I wasn’t suite for, a hidden love, but ever present.

All of a sudden, I saw her smile, putting a hand on the glass, finding it warm.

That cold that had stolen so many laughs from her, was suddenly gone.

And I kept looking at her, as I would’ve done for the whole eternity.

  


~

 

I would’ve loved to be able to decipher Lucius’ eyes.

Because I felt, I _knew_ there had to be something beneath his indifference.

They had told us we had to become a family and we had done that, but they couldn’t demand of us to be happy about it.

Because we couldn’t, and I was sure of it.

We couldn’t, because we didn’t choose each other.

And yet there, while words confused in my mind called us husband and wife, I picked something off of him. Like a challenging look, mixed with determination and a sort of strange kindness that I was sure I had imagined.

_Until death do us part._

Until death was going to part us, that’s what we said.

But, had it been forever, I would’ve been surprised.

I kept staring at him, his eyes unchanged. There was no more disregard, no more suspicion.

As if he was _ready_.

I smiled, shyly.

Had it been forever, maybe, I could’ve also rejoiced in that.  


End file.
